Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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