I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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