She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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