I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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