I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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