It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
