I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
