this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
