I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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