I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
