2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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