i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
