he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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