i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
