if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
