After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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