so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
