was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
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He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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