it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
