How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Watching her eat just hurts me
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
