We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
