2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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