I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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