I'm lost and stupid without you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
