Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
