haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
