so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
