I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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