My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
