I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
