Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
