If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
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don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
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So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.