Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
