I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF