So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
