Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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