My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize