We got so high we made milksteak
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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