I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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