that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
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Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
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You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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