i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just googled if crying burns calories
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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