I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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