Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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