she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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