My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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