After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
