GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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