why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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