it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
