I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I smell stomach acid.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.