Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
