I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
