A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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