Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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