Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
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So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
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He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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