As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
