Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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