There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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